apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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