My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
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I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
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He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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