This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
