I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
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