I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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