i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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