I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
