The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son