I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever