My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
