I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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