I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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