hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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