I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
