Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
