Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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