You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
