The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
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Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
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