she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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