Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
