He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
