We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
