considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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