I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
