I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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