I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
