I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
