i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
