I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
