You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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