Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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