Define "chronic" masturbator.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
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Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
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She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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