you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
