I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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