Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
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the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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