a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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