I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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