remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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