just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
