If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
she looked like the before picture.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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