I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
