Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(352): View more from Florida

She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.

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(352): She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all. http://tfl.nu/8svu

Replies (31) Good night (2877) Bad night (1440)
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(720): View more from Colorado

we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons

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(720): we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons http://tfl.nu/079e

Replies (4) Good night (4938) Bad night (678)
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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(708): I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza http://tfl.nu/44q3

Replies (24) Good night (6690) Bad night (1622)
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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(774): So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life http://tfl.nu/2cua

Replies (27) Good night (6820) Bad night (1351)
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(308): View more from Nebraska

He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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(308): He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along. http://tfl.nu/kb7d

Replies (13) Good night (3296) Bad night (1289)
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(210): View more from Texas

It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.

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(210): It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright. http://tfl.nu/p54t

Replies (4) Good night (2028) Bad night (880)
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(937): View more from Ohio

as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.

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(937): as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over. http://tfl.nu/xpv9

Replies (22) Good night (1782) Bad night (2289)
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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.

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(832): I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic. http://tfl.nu/1uqk

Replies (6) Good night (1621) Bad night (978)
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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.

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(603): If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines. http://tfl.nu/3y2e

Replies (22) Good night (2850) Bad night (765)
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(914): View more from New York

Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.

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(914): Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius. http://tfl.nu/p1hh

Replies (10) Good night (1740) Bad night (537)
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(856): View more from New Jersey

Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.

(856): View more from New Jersey

For the caroling or the orgy?

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(856): Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata. (856): For the caroling or the orgy? http://tfl.nu/xsvg

Replies (2) Good night (701) Bad night (350)
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(808): View more from Hawaii

I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas

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(808): I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas http://tfl.nu/8d4j

Replies (0) Good night (533) Bad night (749)
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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.

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(615): I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking. http://tfl.nu/6e5l

Replies (2) Good night (471) Bad night (231)
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(504): View more from Louisiana

She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.

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(504): She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush. http://tfl.nu/t4er

Replies (1) Good night (277) Bad night (463)
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(801): View more from Utah

I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt

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(801): I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt http://tfl.nu/mvv0

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