Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
