On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
