She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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