Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
