This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
