none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
