Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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