Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
