we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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