Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Randomize
