He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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