I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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