my phone needs a breathalizer
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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