Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
