And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
