I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
